Are you okay?

...and the answer is... Yes, I am okay. There have been a flurry of concerned emails, texts and messages asking just how okay I am. I realise that some of the things that I write are quite brutal and honest but please remember that this is just writing down what is in my head and this is the fourth time of thinking and feeling these things. There are days that are utter shit and others that are fine where I feel myself again.

I am hugely grateful for all the support and love that has been shown to us. As I have mentioned before, pragmatism is one of the things that I am trying to use to keep perspective on everything. A wonderful husband, great friends, a loving family, a job that I adore, a pretty flat in a great area and two daft mogs. I have an awful lot that so many others don't and must remember that but also not beat myself with it either.

Part of the doldrums is not knowing what should come next. A break definitely as I need to heal physically and mentally before trying again. There are almost too many options (spoilt brat!) but with no guarantee of a baby at the end of the different treatments available, it's very hard to know where to start. I am very scared of IVF treatments. Very scared. It's so invasive and really messes around with your body- I haven't really coped well with the loss of the pregnancies so am I really strong enough to be able to go through that?

It's not just babywise that I don't know the next steps. I'm not really very sure what's going on with teaching- Michael Gove has waged war on our professionalism as teachers, there will be a lot of changes and a lot of strike action (with money already being put away to cover strike days- seriously!). Our school is also going through a lot of change with a high staff turnover this year, a new school building and mixed results from the children. I'm in my sixth year of teaching (most people quit by their third year) and with all the baby stuff going on, I am not in any place to start taking on senior management roles. I do already have responsibilities for MFL and I shall be rolling out a whole school award that focuses on the rights of the child (not only teaching them that they have rights but that they cannot take them away from others). When discussing the changes with my step mum and pondering a move, she made a really good point that sometimes it's better to be part of the team that gets the boat afloat rather than jumping ship. I love my school so much. We have the best children on this planet- beautiful kids who make everyday special, even the really crappy ones.

Had sex ed today with my Year 5 boys- there was all sorts of hilarity with tampons and high fives with sanitary towels on their hands. It's amazing how understanding they can be- one of them asked if when a women bled, it hurt them and when I explained that the bleeding didn't hurt but the cramping does, all of them looked very concerned and made all the right noises. Where we are discussing a lot about why we go through puberty, they have asked a lot of questions. One of the boys, as I was taking them downstairs to dismiss them, asked if I wanted to have a baby and I responded honestly: that I want a baby very much. He then said that when he first met me, he thought I already had a baby as I was so much like a mum! A very sweet thing to say (I'm hoping that he didn't mean my big belly!)

One thing's for sure that I must make sure that I do, even with all this change and confusion, I must make sure that I don't just use this as my only means of communicating my feelings. I must keep talking to Paul. We all know the consequences of a lack of communication in marriage but with babycrack involved, I think it destroys even more relationships. A baby would be the most amazing gift on this planet but I have already been blessed with an amazing marriage. I must not let it slide.