Where does the weekend go?

After a bit of a grotty end to the week, yesterday was such a lovely day. Despite the winter fail of March, after I had finished tutoring, I headed back home via Sainsburys (and the world's angriest man on the 122- was actually shoved out of the way so that he could scream at the bus driver!) where Paul met me and we walked home together. After my mock complaining all the way, we settled down with lunch and stuck on Breakfast at Tiffanys. Once the film had finished, it was time for buttery crumpets and a big cuddle on the sofa. I think there is a very definite link between the crappy days vs good days in relation to the amount of physical contact- the more cuddles, the better I feel!

We then had "the Talk". That "Talk". It's been bubbling away inside my head for a long time- felt a little like being a teenager and about to reluctantly own up to something to my parents, rather than a discussion that Paul and I needed to have! I was worried that it was just going to be a lot of sobbing and that Paul would do his normal thing of, "I just wants what's best for you" but this wasn't just about me, it was about us as a family. Quite a lot of people have asked me how many more times I can let myself go through this and even how many more times our relationship can manage to cope.

The optimist in me, my inner Pollyanna, speaks in quite a clear voice saying that if my mum and step mum managed to have babies naturally, I should be able too. It's just that waiting for the right numbers to come up- the genetic lottery. So my next pregnancy could result in a baby, who knows!

We both said that we'd wait a couple of months- let my body have a couple of normal cycles and certainly, the first thing we need to wait for is the meeting with Mr Lee and hear the results of the tests. Everything else, as I've said before seems completely normal- the blood tests/ internal scans all came back fine. I think as a matter of self protection, I've already told myself that the genes are the reason for number 4 too. It's just a bit too scary to think of any other reasons for things going wrong- ONE THING AT A TIME!

Either way, dependent on Mr Lee's findings, we will have another go naturally in a couple of months. If that then goes wrong, we both thought that depending on how we are feeling, we would either choose PGD/egg donation or adoption. All the way through, I think the ultimate thing we've got to keep in mind is how we're feeling at the time. We have got time; I turn 31 in November so time is something that is on our side. It's weird- I really like having a clear set path normally, with exact plans in place but this is one thing that I cannot completely control. I actually feel quite calm even though nothing has really changed and it's all because I've got Paul to go through it with.

It was good to have the "talk", finally. I know it was eating away at me- not knowing when was the right time to bring it up but even thought this stuff is tough to talk about, it's really important that we keep talking, cuddling and watching old films on the sofa. I cannot wait until next weekend's extra days as it's not only our six month-aversary with a promise of Argentinian steak but also an excuse for extra cuddles and more old films.
Six months since this:

Photos by the epic genius of Andrea Ellison and Boo Marshall