What are you doing New Year's Eve?

Zooey Deschanel is my ultimate girl crush. I love her.

So the New Year is upon us, once again- my thirty second on this planet (albeit not truly until November). I used to hate new years- my utterly beloved Grandad died on one 18 years ago and so as a teenager, I went out of my way to hate them for a long time. The first new years that I thought was totally kickass was in 2009- my first with Mr P. We spent it in Windsor together- a few days completely alone (had to in those days as we both still lived at home)- we walked through the Park, ate ice cream and laughed at the cat who was sitting on the grass next to the sign telling people to get off the grass.

It was that pre-moving in together extra special time that you have with someone who you already know you're going to spend the rest of your life with. It was good- fresh air, decent food and quality time with not too much travelling.

Now, the following year, we started what has now become a bit of a tradition- we invited my mum, stepdad, nanny, my mother in law and father in law and proceeded to eat a lot of food and get very drunk. This ended with my nan saying to my mum when their taxi arrived that she didn't want the night to end and with my stepdad and my father in law dancing to the Pogues together. This was before the see you next Tuesdays moved in downstairs as the following year we were buzzed at 1am for too much merriment (man alive, am I glad to be away from those total and utter dickweeds!)
Of course, this past new year, we were in Hawaii, bitches (sorry, watching too much Breaking Bad)! So whilst the majority of you were enjoying your NYE, we were sitting on the beach eating our lunch.

Normally, I'm the queen of sunscreen and yes, I do need to use it despite the Asian genes. However, I got so burnt that day- I looked like a lobster thermidor, with serious heatstroke on top! At one point, I was going through so much aloe aftersun, I questioned filling the bath with it...We ended up going for a steak that I could barely eat (way too much salt!!) and then diving into bed to watch The Hangover 2 on repeat with our bottle of Andre (our $7 bottle of Champagne). Suddenly, there were these booms from outside and I ran naked (no material was allowed near my scorched skin) over to the balcony where there were loads of bangs, whizzes and woops coming from over the bay.

It was the Hawaiian new year- Honolulu is one of the last on Earth to celebrate it and we had almost slept through it!

Having never been one for making wishes or resolutions, I didn't make any. Neither did I burn away the bad of the previous year (believe me, there was some crazy stuff that went down!) This New Year is getting capital letters- not because I truly believe that after the strokes of midnight, that all my dreams will come true but rather that I am going to put in a concerted effort into making them come true. With a wish, you have got to let go of the responsibility for making it come true- whilst you can work towards it, there is a little bit of magic as to whether it will happen or not.

As for resolutions, I am heading in the right direction. With a meeting a for Guys scheduled early next year, that feels like things are progressing. Also with the smoking long gone, alcohol is the next thing to go. From January the 1st, I will be dry. I'm also going to make a big effort to train for a 5K and work from that to a 10K- this is huge for me as I really can't run. For a start, I was never made for running- my boobs need structural engineering to keep them in place and I also look somewhat like a rubber chicken- think Phoebe from Friends but I did a few 5Ks a few years back when I was at uni with my fastest time being 22 minutes.

Hope is the main thing that I'm going to channel next year- it has certainly been a bit difficult at times to keep my chin up. However, please don't think me mad in sharing this but I had a very weird thing this time last week- we were on our way to my mum's for one of my brother's thai curries, sitting in the back of a taxi - it felt like the first time I had managed to sit down all day, so I started to doze. It was a weird kind of sleep- more like a meditative calm than a true sleep and P kept waking me up as I had a huge box on my lap that he kept hitting when he tried to squeeze my knee (yes, he managed to do it more than once- each time ending with us both giggling). When P wasn't trying to bosh my mum's Christmas present, I sat there in this trance like sleep. Whilst in one of these trances, I had a vision/dream. I was holding a baby. Not sure how I know but it was definitely my baby. It wasn't in a room, no earthly thing surrounded me, in fact I wasn't anywhere- like almost in a total void but there was a light around myself and this baby that I was holding. There was also a sense of total and utter calm and peace. I don't know whether it was my subconscious saying goodbye to the babies I have lost or whether it was me telling myself that it will happen. Some might even read into it a type of religious or spiritual moment. I really can't put my finger on it but since then, rather that fixating on staying pregnant, I feel like I know what I'm aiming for- a child of my own. For so long now, all I've thought about is managing to stay pregnant past the first trimester but it feels like it has finally sunken in that actually what I'm aiming for is a living breathing, healthy baby.

That, my friends, is what I'd truly like to achieve by this time next year. It is a wish- not something entirely in my powers to conjure up (otherwise, there'd be a fuckload by now!) but something that with some sensible resolutions, I am working towards.

(Image from http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/)

Happy New Year xxx