I always loved thinking about the future as a child. The future held untold riches of things going well so it was a good thing to dream about! This passed all the way right into a new exercise book at school, after all in this new book, I would write masterpieces in impeccable handwriting with awesome illustrations. In fact, I still get excited now when a pupil of mine starts a new book-wondering which pieces will have me giggling and which will render me speechless (possibly getting social workers involved).
This new start love of mine is usually dashed with a bit of realism. Realistically, you can bugger up that first page as much as the last page in your old book. If you've ever been a smoker, you'll know the whole, "I'll give up when x happens." It's a bit like that with the future, you can get dragged back into the past by bad habits (I just tried spelling habits with two bs- a bit like a Hobbit but cooler. I think it could catch on).
I have a lot of bad habits. I have broken quite a few but there are a few that still linger. Whilst self harm and vomiting have gone, the chronic panic remains. I also love to ruin opportunities that come my way. For example, I still haven't filled in the medical form for Guys yet. Why? There is just a little part of me that hopes what people say is true- that as soon as you say enough, it happens. It happened to my mum so why not me? I suppose for that to happen, I would have to fill in the form...
It is now a year since I started this blog. Strangely, a few friends on twitter have also celebrated their year anniversaries recently, but their's have been with a little hope for their futures. Babies on the horizon galore! Mine? Well my year anniversary has been spent drawing pictures of Greenwich landmarks for a school display and being thanked twice by the Head (this is a rare occurrence). No babies on the horizon (nice shipping metaphor there. Links with Greenwich, innit?). A lot of worry about the future instead. After all, have I made the right decision to leave my school? I'm leaving a lot of lovely people behind. Also, am I brave enough to put my art skills out there? I will need to improve and attend courses-can I cope with the criticism?
At a certain point, you have to put your neck on the line. I guess after Easter will be my neck on the block- the new job and the maybe baby chance.
It's frightening though. If I go for the PGD and it doesn't work, then what? I could have another go, for it to perhaps fail again? How many times before that becomes a bad habit too? Always a hope next time? I guess whilst I don't sign the medical form, I still have an aspect of control over it before everything is handed over to geneticists and doctors. It is hard enough in that weird multiple-miscarriage-before-IVF wasteland without handing your body and heart over to modern medicine entirely. Dildo cams and poking (believe me, I'm not sure that there isn't a medical practitioner who hasn't seen my uterus within the M25) are rough enough before you have to start stabbing yourself with needles.
Thinking about what has happened in the past year is pretty epic, really. A new house, new puppy and new job. Grown up clothes that don't involve leggings every day of the week. Learning to knit (properly). Another miscarriage. A blog that I have kept up for an entire year and isn't full of teenage angst.
So my predictions for the next year? To be honest, I hope I won't be blogging. I hope this will be over and I can move onto a new path. One with a little less heartache, please.
Who knows, eh?
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