I spent a whole day with my brother and dad. It was hard. Within ten minutes, no probably less than that, I got the whole talk about how I will conceive naturally and he doesn't get why I would put Paul and myself through PGD. I don't personally understand why he wouldn't want anything else for his daughter when he has managed three children in fifteen pregnancies. Yes there were other issues for both my mum and step mum, as my mum has 6&12 as a balanced chromosome and my step mum wasn't too far away from never having a child due to age. I tried steering the conversation away from PGD and onto the fact that they will run tests to see if there is anything else causing the repeated pregnancy loss- the fact we don't know if there is anything wrong with P or whether my eggs are that of a 50 year old. he seemed to suck that up nicely and left me for a bit.
Then we went to Chatham Dockyard. There were innumerable amounts of yummy mummies and their babies oozing out of every pore. Massive Silver Cross buggies. All the Call the Midwife paraphernalia. All of which on CD1 was a slap around the face. CD1 is good, it means that my body is finally getting back on track after seven months of messing around. Not that it can ever be that easy. There were streaks yesterday, then nothing, then leg splitting pain. It's like each period is bitchslapping me again! I've never spotted. Never had that implantation bleed that I know of so a bit of spotting makes you believe that maybe a healthy pregnancy is under way. IT'S A LIE. All part of the mind fuck. There's no baby.
It's not like I thought I was pregnant but there's always that hope. As I said before, I am now ovulating very regularly and now that the month has cut right down from 45 to 28, I'm right where I was a while ago. This is positive, even if it's a bit of a short phase ovulating on CD17- only an 11 day luteal phase which isn't great.
So with a pregnancy announcement on Facebook and a tough day, it has been hard. Had a bit of a melt down after I screwed up dinner tonight (didn't cook a steak as well as it should have been). Just felt like that failure friend of mine had been creeping up more than it should. After all, I keep failing as a wife, I keep failing as a daughter to provide a grandchild and I couldn't even cook dinner right.
Too many times, does P look over at me and find me crying because it's another failed month. I don't now know which is worse- whether it's worse not seeing two lines or seeing them both there. Either way, we don't seem to end up with a baby so screw them both I guess.
I started wondering what my life would be like without children the other day. Never felt like that before.
It's been a tough few days. I didn't have the best goodbye with one of my kids and it's already begun to haunt my dreams. In them, we make everything alright but I'm not sure how that could happen in real life. I always had a soft spot for him and fought his corner wherever possible. Despite the chaos of his home life, he's doing surprisingly ok but I just wanted him to know that what he's going through isn't normal so that he doesn't choose to go the same way as his parents. I said to him how proud of him I was that he managed to not only be such a lovely boy but that he also had such an amazing attitude to work as well that he wants to do well and with that attitude, he'll do just fine. He burst into tears, this made me cry. I mentioned to him that I had my spies around the place who would be looking out for him, making sure he's ok. He gave me a hug at this point but I did feel like perhaps I had been too frank. If I could have wrapped that boy up and taken him home, I would. In a heartbeat. Do you have kids? Have you ever been told by a teacher that they'd love to take them home. Yeah, mostly that's a lie because we can't think of anything nice to say about them. This one, I would.
I won't be having a baby in 2014.
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