It's my due date today for my fourth miscarriage. I realised whilst on the bus as it indicated left at the Co-op. P and I once saw a girl having proper relationship drama in the middle of Waterloo East Station, sobbing into her mobile and even though we were a platform away, we could hear every word. The judgmental side of her being drunk and caterwauling kicked in and I looked away...I was so worried that people were thinking that of me as I wept a few tears on the 386 bus. Thing is, I didn't know the full story of the girl and the people on the bus don't know mine so I probably just seemed like a typical bus oddity.
I've had a post in my head for a few days. It's a letter:
To my baby,
Note those first three words. Whether you are brand new, eight years old or eighty five, you are still my baby. Whether you are biologically your Daddy's and mine, just your Daddy's or adopted, you are still our baby.
Although, I was never really one for dolls as a child or even cooing over other people's babies as an adult, I have always wanted a "you". As soon as your Daddy and I met, and realised that we had something pretty special, I imagined us with you. I imagined your noise and the lost dinky socks (matching socks is not one of my specialties as you know. Chances are Max might have eaten them now that we have him.) I knew from the word go that Daddy and I would make pretty kickass parents, despite the socks issue, and would love you with our whole hearts.
There have been some imperfect versions of you along the way. I'd like to make an analogy between an artist making sketches before the creation of the perfect but you know me, I don't lie to children. Daddy and I tried to have you for not terribly long but we suffered a lot of loss in that little time. Five pregnancies at the time of publishing. Obviously, at this moment, I don't know how this plays out- whether Daddy and I decide to give it one more go, whether we change our minds about IVF or whether we adopt you. Hey right now, you know something that I don't know as of the 1st of October 2013! What I do know, is that I already love you, I have always loved you and I will always love you.
I know that you probably feel quite suffocated by my love- like you can't breathe without me knowing about it. Believe me, when Daddy and I lived in a middle floor flat with Jezzie and Harley, and a friend suggested about them going outside; I got a throbbing head and had a mini breakdown over it. I dread to think what I will be like with you...In the last few weeks, I have managed to let the cats go outside. They are now aged four, which is about 28 in human years, so you might get to leave the house without an adult accompanying you by the time you are thirty.
You probably hate your room that I have spent hours mentally decorating in John Lewis or dreaming over on a hidden Pintrest board (it will be based around famous children's books). You probably turn out to be a Spurs fan despite your father's allegiance to Arsenal and hate cricket (it takes time to love it but when you're big enough, the alcohol numbs the dull bits). There are likely to be tantrums over the endless music lessons and sports training- sorry Bubba, you've got to have more than one string to your bow!
It's probably a given that you will be embarrassed by my bad dancing and singing the wrong words to songs on the radio. Daddy can't quite hold a tune either. We share an exceptionally good taste in music though. We both find ourselves very funny as well, which will cripple you socially as a teenager. Just refer to Philip Larkin 's "This Be The Verse" whilst you are locked away in your bedroom and remember that you are not alone.
The one thing that I am utterly sure of is that you either already exist or will exist.
Your Daddy and I can't wait to meet you. (Max will be delighted too but I can't speak for the cats- they're miserable buggers) And I promise that we'll be there for the crap stuff as well as the good. Whether you're receiving a certificate at prize giving, need toast and tea at 4am because someone you love is being a dick or a pick up outside of the M25 at 2am, Daddy and I will be there cheering you on or kicking your butt. There's not only us waiting to meet you and be your cheerleaders, you've got a lot of family and friends awaiting your imminent arrival.
I can't wait to meet you. Truly, I hope you hurry up and turn up soon but until that day comes, always know that I love you. Very bigly indeed.
Your Mummy xxx
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