Are there really blue skies?

Having a later start to school today as it's my PPA morning and the rat men were meant to come today. They came but they didn't buzz our flat before leaving! Ridiculous! Had a strongly worded conversation with the man at the end of the phone who was astonished as I that they had come but left before doing anything! Grrr! At least I managed to do a wash meaning that I don't have to go into work naked this morning.

Having seen my mother-in-law's status this morning that there was a weak bit of sunlight, I ran to the window in awe. Yes, sure enough, amidst the grey cloud, there were snippets of blue sky. Even with the biting cold, the blue sky offers a ray of hope that we might be moving towards summer. Everything is much lighter but with the recent weather, that has felt like more of a lie.

There were a lot of tears yesterday, including almost tearing up in the classroom, which would have been a true disaster since my poor TA was off with two poorly daughters. Everything went well with my colleague's scan- I think there was a bit of fear in me that it could happen to her too- to reach the scan and find that things were too small or that there was no heartbeat. Her daughter has ASD and I was really worried how that could affect her-she's been on an even balance recently and I didn't want her to slide backwards at a time when her mum would need to rest. Despite my fears, everything was okay and her response was that if it was another girl (she already has a sister) that she wouldn't be looking after it! She clutched the photo for the rest of the afternoon, only allowing me to put it in her bag when there was a child ruthlessly cutting through pieces of paper next to her. I am a horrendous anti-fantasist- worrying and imagining the worst case scenarios and planning what I would do if they happened. Paul always looks aghast when I talk about when I walk by myself in the dark and do a running commentary for Crimewatch..."Sarah was last seen walking past this block of flats at 9pm..." It seems to be an alternate weight to the Pollyanna perspective that I project. I'm glad that my pupil had good news though.

I gave my colleague a hug and wished her congratulations when I handed her daughter over at the end of the day- I didn't cry then. I meant it with my whole heart- it does work out for other people and one day, I hope it will work for Paul and myself. In fact the interesting part was that I didn't cry from that point onward- had a parent on my tail who wanted to talk about some time off for a family wedding so I couldn't become teary then. After that, I ended up helping two teachers with their data (rather than heading home and tidying up the house hehehe!) and even ended up in conversation with one of them about their period pain (it's funny how we all talk about it- some of my closest friendships have started over a period conversation!) I noticed some small spots of blood yesterday and took it that my period had started- it would have been around the right time too- so I laughed with her about how I hadn't had a period since October and how odd it is to be back to having them again. She hadn't known about the four miscarriage and was utterly gobsmacked when I told her, also seeming a little surprised at how upbeat I was (check my brave face out- I will win an Oscar for it one day!) It doesn't seem to have developed into a period but I don't think that I possibly have enough blood or lining to have a proper one, having bleed for two and a half weeks after the D&C- I may actually die with anymore blood loss!

There were a few tears shed this morning after Paul left for work. Back in December, I was given paperwork for the Saying Goodbye services by my GP. They are an organisation set up by a husband and wife team who lost five babies themselves where they run special services for people who have lost babies at any stage, whether miscarriage, stillbirth or later. These are held in churches and cathedrals across the country and are coming to America soon. It seems a lovely idea but I'm not sure that it would give me anymore closure. I see life and death quite scientifically- to me, we make our own heavens during our time on Earth by living our lives as best we can, helping other people wherever we can. When we die, that's pretty much it: there is the physical reincarnation through ashes being spread, plants growing and being eaten etc, then the genetic through having offspring and the mental through being remembered by friends and relatives but unlike when I was a child, I don't believe that people walk up sunbeams to reach heaven. It wouldn't be helpful for me to go and light four candles for the babies that I've lost because they still exist in not only my heart but Paul's and those of my family's too. Anyway, back to what I cried at- the Saying Goodbye team have created a video which had me crying huge globule type tears:

Although, the services are not something to help me- the job that Saying Goodbye are doing is amazing and they are helping so many people get through this properly rotten time.

Through the Saying Goodbye Facebook page, I found their sister charity Growing You which does seem like something I may need in the future. Having bordered on needing to be sectioned during the last pregnancy (if only for the sake of my iPhone battery), I know that the next time I fall pregnant, I will need a lot of support not to turn into a crazy woman. I hope I have learnt some perspective from miscarriage number four but who knows what will happen when I actually get the HCG running through my veins again. I truly did feel a certain sense of relief when the pregnancy ended as I didn't have to worry about seeing blood when I went to the toilet anymore or have to check food like a hawk, making sure that I could eat it. It doesn't really seem to matter how many good intentions you have, a pregnancy will either make it to the end or not whether you dip your chips in mayo or don't. When it comes down to the genes, it comes down to something so completely out of your control and being such a control freak, the two don't really mix. When we get around to trying to make another baby, I will need a lot of cuddles and talking through it.

Anyway, I'd better put something on other than my pjs and head off under these almost blue skies to work. The heating has gone off too and I'll only be in trouble if I leave it on all day again!