How do I react?

Yesterday was my first without crying. Possibly my first day since miscarriage number 3, which was just before Christmas. It was my mother-in-law's birthday and after a pretty painless day at school (even after taking year 6 grammar booster) I legged it into town to have dinner with my in-laws. Despite killer tiredness, I managed the whole day without a single tear!

Alain de Botton wrote this on twitter the other day:
" Hard to say to a friend: I need cheering up because of the sadness your success has caused me."
This couldn't be more true.

Not quite as brave this morning. Had a little weep in the shower as my colleague goes for her dating scan today. Her daughter is in my class and last night she came to remind me that she was going to take her to the scan in the morning. I feel so guilty for not being overjoyed for her. It's so hard when her pregnancy would have been so close in dates to my own.

Having really odd coughing/retching fits at the moment- very similar to my morning sickness retches. Along with that, I have also got really irritated nipples(sorry probably too much information!)- it's almost as if my body is taunting me at the moment with what it should have been doing if it had decided to work properly.

After the weekend's chat with Paul, I do feel much more relaxed- I suppose I've got a bit of a reprieve for a while before my body has to do anything. I have to try to be as normal as I possibly can- not buying a million sticks unlike last time! It's not as if they can tell you anything about how the pregnancy is progressing- they just tell you that you have enough hormone in your body to be pregnant. I was peeing on sticks like a mad woman last time- twice to three times a week checking that I was still pregnant- I even did one the morning before the scan when obviously things had gone completely tits up. I dread to think how much I spent on tests. There's this widget that you can use that shows you how much money you have spent on trying to get pregnant but to me right now, that just seems like a whole other statistic that I don't need to be worrying about.

So I have a couple of months before the madness starts again. When my period restarts, I don't know quite how I'll react- it wasn't exactly a normal reaction that I had when we first had sex after the miscarriage- no husband really wants his wife in floods of tears straight after making love! It's hard not making links between the two things and what has happened. It can't be allowed to continue like that and it hasn't in regards to having sex- completely back to normal there now but I think it's understandable given three miscarriages within a year- something has got to give!

Hopefully, August will just be a time of preparation for my best mate's wedding in September- I can use all her DIY projects as a way of distracting me from the fact my November pregnancy would have been due then. Also the September one will hopefully be diluted by our first wedding anniversary. It would have been awesome to have had a baby to mark the date but this way, Paul and I get to celebrate what was the most amazing day ever without having to worry about going into labour!

Who knows, I might not be able to drink by then!