Am I going crazy?

Apologies about the last post. I was and still am a bit distressed.

I think the main reason that I was so upset about that pregnancy loss was that I saw the pregnancy on the ultrasound- it felt like there was a chance of a real baby. The others have only resulted in positives and Pregnant x - y weeks- nothing more than a few cells that might have turned into babies if they weren't so broken.Goddamn genes...

I feel very caught between at the moment- definitely in that rock and a hard place at the moment! We have our next appointment on the 22nd of October with our Gynae doctor. I don't know if you do the same but I try to prepare what I am going to say before I am in that situation- good old panic! I've had various versions of the conversation- it not only words things but it also makes me think about what my reaction would be should those words come out of my mouth.

Same beginning part to each scenario:
Me: Hi Mr L!
P: Hi I'm P, Sarah's husband. We met at the ERPC back in April.
Mr L: Hi, how are you both? How have things been going?
Me: Had another early one at the beginning of September, in the middle of a field in Rye.
Mr L: Oh I'm sorry.
Me: Yeah, a bit on the rubbish side of things.
Mr L: How far along were you?
Me: Six weeks tops. Just about to call you to get the wheels in motion.
Mr L: How many is that now?
Me: Five.
Mr L: What would you like to do?
P: I want to be tested to make sure that there is nothing wrong on my side. Then we can make a decision based on that.

This is the interesting part...

Scenario 1:
Me: Spontaneously combust and my ashes be used for roses. Never been able to keep a plant alive in life, perhaps I could do in death?

OK, that's not a real one.

Scenario 2: 
Mr L: There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, P. Just very unlucky with the pregnancies you've had, Sarah.
(P and I look at each other nervously)
Me: Ok, we haven't been trying for long. Perhaps we could try naturally for a bit longer?
Mr L: Ok, get in touch with me when you are six weeks along, like we discussed last time.

Scenario 3:
Mr L: There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, P. Just very unlucky with the pregnancies you've had, Sarah.
Me and P: We've decided that this is a whole heap of shit that we don't need to be going through and have decided to go for adoption as there are so many kids out there that we could give an awesome life to.
Mr L: Amazing choice to make- glad you are going for this. As I said back in April, you will make wonderful parents and this is a far more reliable method of having a child.

Scenario 4:
Mr L: There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, P. Just very unlucky with the pregnancies you've had, Sarah.
Me&P: We've had enough of this crap. We've decided that we'll have a shot at PGD.
Mr L: Ok, I'll get the wheels in motion with Guys then.

Scenario 5:
Mr L: There is something wrong with you, P.
Me & P: Ok, sod this shit, we're off to adopt.


So as you can see, we are erring on the side of adoption. It's scary though because it is basically saying, I am never going to experience the full nine months of being pregnant or giving birth. I am not going to breastfeed (I know that you can but I think there is definitely something for bottle feeding- first thought, wine and second thought, dads getting to bond with baby at 2am.). It's funny, it wasn't until I took Max for walk in the rain that it sunk in. My family have been adopting animals since I was 2. Some of them from puppies/kittens and some of them from pretty much old age. There's also the fact that in being a teacher, I get to play at being parents from 08:55 to 15:30 and longer when it's a school journey. The other day, I was walking up the road alongside school when secondary school blazered arms were thrown around me with a shriek of, "Mrs L!" It was from a child who I taught three years ago who is now in a local secondary school. Must be doing something right if they felt comfortable enough to do that in front of their big school friends! At school, we have an end of term talent show and in the years that it's happened, whilst the rest of school have sung and danced, my class...? Well, they have put on these Monty Pythonesque sketches- it has been noticed by quite a few members of staff that they feel confident enough to be daft in front of a crowd. The sketches are becoming more abstract the more years I've been there... There are so many kids throughout the school who I would love to take home and give them a bit of love and attention! So I'm not frightened of adoption, just scared of how I will create some sort of peace with myself with the fact that I'm not going to get to experience some of the parts of being a woman.

Or do we have a go at PGD?

I've had a look at counselling but my goodness, it's a lot of moolah! In fact, I had a look at the people who do specialist fertility counselling because you need a specialist not just some cover all. The page that I looked at had someone one in the same borough. It was like it was meant to be but then I saw the price...£55 for an hour session! A minimum of six session GAHHHHH!!!!

Maybe we could just get another puppy?