So it is baby loss awareness week- from the 9th to the 15th of October. Everyone is meant to light a candle for the pregnancies or babies they have lost. One of the words used within this context is that these lost babies are angels. So what about those of us who don't really believe that they are angels? As you fan see from the previous posts, it's not that I don't feel the loss of my babies keenly, rather that I struggle to believe that there is anymore than this life on Earth.
Sometimes I wish I could as I can see how it gives people a real sense of a reason to be and a meaning in the seemingly meaningless. When you are struggling with the why, there's this parental type figure saying that there is a reason for your suffering, that you will be rewarded richly in heaven. As a person who believes that you shouldn't be restricted to believing there is anything more than this life , it is sometimes made harder by the group mentality of our lost pregnancies are babies in heaven. Whilst I realise that this is not only comforting but a real belief for some people, I really struggle with it. For a start, how do they look as if they didn't make it through the full nine months, are they probably hugely disfigured or are they just shaped in the promise of what they could have been? Mine, apart from one, have been lost pretty early so are they still fetus shaped or are they proper baby shaped? Maybe it just depends on your definition of what heaven is and what form you take when you arrive there.
As for raising awareness, you have to be careful- no, I'm not a miserable anti-charity person! You have to make sure that raising awareness doesn't just become pinkified, in the way that breast cancer awareness has- pink wellies anyone? There was this brilliant piece written about exactly the point where charity becomes inane and the cause loses its meaning. Of course, lighting a candle is synonymous with loss across religions. My family is a real hodge podge of beliefs- my Dad's side are Muslim and Catholic (yes, seriously!) and my Mum's are CoE. Her side isn't churchy and when there is a funeral, it is a celebration of life. To me, candles are not so tied in with death but with birthday parties- a celebration of life. When it comes to lighting a candle for a lost pregnancy, is it a celebration?
To me it's a failure of something that should be innate. Even the term "lost" a pregnancy places the failure even deeper. It's my problem that is causing the losses. What is to celebrate there?
Anyway, positives! My first smear in about a million years came back normal! Hooray- something going right with my body! I do have to go for another in about six months to make sure that everything is fine but thank goodness things are going right in one area!
Oh and P spoke. He said that it was starting to make him feel awkward when people asked him when it was going to be his turn to be a dad. A whole load of people are having babies in the various offices and schools he works in and they are all wondering when it's going to be his turn. In fact, one of his bosses asked when I was due as wasn't it soon? He obviously didn't realise that when P took the day off, it wasn't for a happy event like a scan, but rather an ERPC. I was so happy to finally hear him talk about how it was affecting him. Normally it is that, "I'm here for you. I love you." rather than a heartfelt exchange so I hope this is how things will continue now.
It is getting awkward. People who don't know are asking and how do you answer? Do you answer honestly and brutally? "We are struggling to have a baby. We keep getting pregnant but it doesn't last long." This is the way that I have dealt with it so far and maybe I should be a little less blunt as no one wants to hear that. It happens to other people, not people that you know. Maybe we should try switching the topic or comment that really asking when someone is going to have kids is quite a personal comment. Or perhaps, I could just fall back on my other phrase- "I have 29 kids, why would I need anymore?"
I do though. We both do.
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