Where is my mind?

As Mr L's appointment approached, I have felt myself falling into an abject state of fear. Lots of panic attacks and behaving strangely- I talk really fast and my arms and legs get a really fizzy sensation. Bloody cortisol! I entirely screwed up a lesson observation but my head said that he wanted me to do for him... either way, he bought me chocolates and said he'd rip it up, thankfully. Just struggling to stay sane. As I said at the weekend, everything sets me off at the moment- new baby announcements, baby shoes, prams, bumps, baby shampoo commercials.

I was a proper bag of nerves this morning. Wriggling on my chair like a naughty child waiting to see the dentist. Gasping for breaths, sighing like a damsel in distress. Horrible. Really, really horrible. It wasn't an easy appointment. Especially since we think we will have a go at PGD. Mr L isn't sure if we will get funding for it as it is still so new but I can't bear the thought of being 40 and thinking, "Why didn't we have a go?" As previously addressed, when you adopt, there are bits that you miss out on.

It is scary. Lots of jabs- not that I'm scared of injections- just hate bruises!!! No definite baby outcome. Got to have a go though.

PGD is no definite baby. To be completely honest, all it could possibly be is a faster way of creating a child than naturally. It doesn't improve the outcome just the odds in that you have to go through the IVF bit of artificially producing eggs by over stimulating the ovaries. Realistically, there is a chance that every single one of those eggs could be completely buggered (or more scientifically, have really wonky chromosomes) and whilst they will create embryos, they won't create babies. We're looking at about 18% of the embryos either being normal* (*spits afternoon glass of wine across the laptop) or balanced chromosomally. The thing it can offer is reduced losses and as there is no question as to my ability to actually carry a baby, we're looking at good odds at having a "live birth".

Can you imagine a normal baby? One without a chromosomal problem that doesn't directly affect them until they try to have babies themselves. Seems bizarre but even as writing this, I guess for the majority of people that is a given. Believe me, I truly believe that there can be very little worse than finding out that there is no reason for infertility and I am glad that both Guys hospital and my parents were honest with me about the wonky chromosomes and hey, I got off lightly with only one pair, not both sets. It is hard though, imagining starting your adult life without this dark cloud of recurrent miscarriages hanging over your head.

So, fingers crossed that the NHS give us a go before we have to sell the puppy.

Mr L said that we would still keep a rolling appointment going until the day comes where I can ring him and say that I am pregnant and ready to start some happier appointments. Poor man, I barely stepped inside his room before I wept! Let's hope that day comes. I really believe that 2014 has to be better than 2013. 2012 was utterly kickass but 2013 has sucked my soul out through my nose. 2014 is where it will be. Either the start of IVF or the start of adoption papers. Maybe on some other astral plane, even a natural baby to fluke life right out of the water!