Why does my heart feel so bad?

To quote a Manics lyric: I look to the future, it makes me cry.

P showed me the photo he has as the lock screen on his phone (yes, the replacement for the third- and here's hoping, final- phone). It's a picture from our honeymoon, the first night in New York, in our hotel room where I am doing an impression of Nick from New Girl - "Freeze frame! When I'm up in the air and the legs are up there!" This is it...

So you can look at this photo and be hit by the fact that my husband organised a kick-ass honeymoon- starting with Christmas in New York! Oh yes, we did the horse and cart through Central Park, the Empire State building and all that jazz, in New York. At Christmas. It was an amazing holiday- we fell in love with San Francisco and relaxed in Hawaii.The other way to look at this photo is the fact that I had miscarried for the third time two weeks before this photo was taken and somewhere between San Francisco and Hawaii, I fell pregnant again... only to miscarry, again.

I hate this photo and every other photo taken of me this year as it dates to either being pregnant or miscarrying. All the photos from my best friend's wedding, the photos from the honeymoon, photos from 2013 in general are all reminders of how shit things have been!

It's funny when reading back in the blog and seeing how bumps used to make me sad but babies didn't and how the bitterness has now moved on from seeing babies to seeing baby clothes. It was all I could do today to not howl in the middle of M&S on seeing a tiny pinafore dress and stripey t-shirt. The analogy of baby crack could not be more accurate- how something starts as being wanted and ends up being needed. Hearing a couple discussing the Father Christmas key that they would hide under grandma's door mat as she didn't have a chimney for him to come down for their young child. Urgh. My body felt like it had been struck by the flu- a dull ache in every bone in my body.

The thing is, not being able to have a baby doesn't just affect P and me. There are our friends, siblings, parents and grandparents who want someone new to add to the family. There is an immutable pressure that comes after getting married- everyone looks for that moment when you say no thank you to the alcohol or a little bit queasy. The worst part is knowing that it might never happen. They might never get a biological grandchild.

We have started thinking very seriously about adoption. It is hard saying goodbye to all the things that we won't get to experience though:

• Seeing our baby on an ultrasound screen. 
• Hearing its heartbeat loud and clear. 
• Watching my belly grow.
• The initial cry and new baby placed on my chest.
• A minimum of the first six weeks (children don't tend to be adopted before this.)
• Finding out what a mini P or me would look like.

These are big things and letting them go is hard. It just doesn't seem fair. Surely this happens to other people?

Also there is a terrible hanging in limbo- do we dare to make future plans? P keeps trying to start conversations with me about where we want to be in the future. Drunkenly, we have narrowed it down to San Francisco or in the pretty Mews houses in Greenwich. P mentioned that he wanted to have a serious chat about what we want to do and get ourselves organised so that things actually happen. I can't. The future currently fills me with so much dread that living day to day is the easiest thing to do. We also have an appointment with Mr L on Tuesday- it's been held in my head that it is the day when we make a decision about the next steps. P tried to have a conversation with me about it, about whether we go for the adoption 100%. I can't seem to form a sensible view on it.

It's almost half term though and there is a bottle of wine to be drunk!