What happened to you?

*Resentful post*

There's a week left until I leave my job. Four days actually in school as Monday will be spent at my new place. I am scared stupid. When I get scared, I run away inside my head- currently, I have returned to the favourite imagined place I had as a teenager-my little stone cottage, with a kiln and the hairy cows. Now, I think I've added a computer and intermittent WiFi- to write my imagined children's books. Oh and Max. Max is there for long walks and cuddles. The cats come and go sporadically, dependent on whether they decide to have full blown fights on the bed as I am trying to sleep or not. However, I think my cottage has moved to the Outer Hebrides rather than being in North Wales anymore.

Just need some time out, really! I want to switch myself off from the world to regroup before the onslaught of starting a new job. As a teen, I quite often wrote on things, "Stop the world, I want to get off!" I would love to do that right now. The panic is down, right down, but my mood hasn't really improved. I just want to escape being the Sarah that I am right now.

I don't want to be this person who is terrified of hearing about new pregnancies or sick of hearing how gorgeous someone's baby might be. Right now, I don't give a fuck about them because when will I get mine or will I ever get mine? I'm truly starting to believe that I will never be pregnant again, not that my previous pregnancies were ever of any use other than to deplete my physical or emotional capabilities. I would love to rewind time to a time when pregnancy loss wasn't my "thing". It almost feels like there is nothing left other than that. Just a husk of what used to be a multi faceted human.

For the last two months, I have ovulated on CD17 of a 32 day cycle. Without any protection, still no more pregnancies. That old worry that the five miscarriages are it, is burning bright. Maybe that's my lot. It's more that some people ever get so perhaps I should be macabrely pleased that I've seen two lines on a stick and a foetal pole on a scan even if it went nowhere other than down a toilet or in the incinerator at the hospital.

When you have the chance of pregnancy without  the jabs and poking, one that could possibly end with a healthy baby, you start to wonder why it hasn't happened. I filled in the form though. The PGD form. Since filling it in, I've just flopped on the sofa with Homeland playing in the background and cried a lot. P keeps asking if I'm ok and when I answer that I'm fine, he responds that I don't seem it.

I guess I am waiting for a failure in the new job too. To let people down. It'll happen- I don't know when or how but it will. I attract it like a magnet!

It'd be great to run away.