Tuesday 23 April 2013

If life gives you lemons...?

You make lemonade! Went to the hospital today and was utterly delighted by the fact that my doctor, the amazing Mr L had good news for me... The reason for my latest miscarriage was no more than the old genetic lottery that my chromosomes like to play. Bearing in mind all of the reasons that pregnancies end and having been tested with no bad results, I am truly delighted to hear that we are only dealing with the wonky chromosomes and nothing else.

Obviously there has to be a bit of a bummer that comes with this- my chance of miscarrying is higher than we  were told by Guys. It's around the 40-45% mark which is a little bit on the high side but when you think that four in four of my pregnancies have ended in miscarriage, it gives it more reason.

I do, perhaps, have the best consultant ever. He spent around twenty-thirty minutes talking about what our next steps were going to be, how I was doing both physically and mentally and the major "what if" (what if we didn't manage to conceive naturally). He ended the session by giving me a direct number to contact him on as soon as I fall pregnant again so that he can monitor me from the word go. I know my dad has done nothing but ask him to look after me well but he really has. I feel like I'm getting private healthcare attention from the NHS.

It still doesn't make the baby crack lessen and we have an uphill struggle ahead of us but at least we finally have a clear reason. Not only do we have that reason, but it is in fact the same reason we thought we were dealing with in the first place. A known quantity and nothing new.

Monday 22 April 2013

When will we win the lottery?

I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow. The one where I find out what caused the fourth miscarriage and because the hospital kept us waiting with as to whether the test results were back (my file was too big for an instant answer- note to self must have less miscarriages so that it is easier in the future...), I am going alone. I am so scared. If it is anything other than the genetic issue, it will be pretty terrifying as after all, everything else came back clear like the bloods and shape and size of stuff. Really scared if it comes back with anything other than what we already know we're dealing with.

Understandably low, I am teetering on the edge of tears a lot at the moment. Just feels like there's a lot of shit happening at the moment- you know the adage of, "It never rains but pours"? That. Entirely that. Flats that leak, dead mice washing into your kitchen and psychopathic neighbours have lead us to looking to buy our first home together. It should be an exciting step but there's that fear that the old credit rating won't be good enough for them to give us a mortgage and then it's me letting everyone down again. Obviously, credit rating is more controllable than fertility but urgh: YET ANOTHER THING!

We have found a property that is pretty local to where we are currently living- three decent size bedrooms, good sized bathroom, front room, kitchen, downstairs loo, walk in larder, front and back garden and roof space. It's ex-LA on a quiet road that overlooks a private football field with little greens breaking up the road. The downside is that it is a concrete build so a non-standard building material and therefore there are less people who will lend on it. The windows and doors need replacing but I daren't look at how much it would cost as it almost feels a little like looking at baby stuff when you're newly pregnant. A few weeks later, you lose the pregnancy and feel a total idiot for dreaming.

I remember whilst working at M&S before teaching, I was chatting to one of the managers about the fact that I never thought I would ever meet someone. After all, I had a best friend who was like the other half of my brain and a wonderful relationship with my mum- so many people had less than that so did I really deserve anymore? Seven years later, sitting in my front room with my husband, that didn't really work out the way I expected but in the way of the house and the baby, they feel like too bigger a dream. If I dare start to believe they might come to fruition, then I'll curse it from dreaming too hard. Whilst teaching our RE unit about weddings today, I teared up looking at the photos- it was the most perfect wedding, perhaps that was our lucky bit?

Don't get me wrong, I know I will be a mum. There's no doubt about that. We made a decision at the weekend that we wouldn't go for the IVF route- egg donation or PGD. I'm so glad that P is on the same page as me- was utterly terrified by the thought of such an invasive treatment with no guaranteed result. I'm not saying never ever, but just not right now. Whilst I would never judge anyone on their choice to have a baby through IVF (I get how much you want your own baby, really!) for me personally, I feel it would be selfish for me to do that whilst seeing kids on a daily basis who could do with a bit more love. It might still happen naturally of course but if we do get to the point of not wanting to try anymore (which feels sooner rather than later), we do have options.

I read on Facebook the other day some meme thing:
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

―Elisabeth Kubler-Rose


I might have made a comment about preferring to be ugly than go through this shit... :)



Thursday 11 April 2013

Is knowledge always a good thing?

As we strode towards the Easter holidays, I decided to take a bit of a break from the blogging. Y'know, sometimes it's a good idea to actually talk to people rather than tell them what's happening through writing- it's a bit of a one sided conversation! So the Easter holidays came and I became so damn sick! Like proper hallucinating feverish sick and although I'm not exactly quiet in anything I do, I'm surprised we haven't had passive aggressive notes from the neighbours below complaining about me disturbing the peace!

Whilst the illness was raging, I was surprised at how the tears dried up- this sadly was a bit of a short term thing, obviously the tears weren't able to flow when all the liquid in my body was on my lungs! 

It's funny because obviously you can torture yourself pretty well over things for quite a while without needing to change the topic but just recently, the dark thoughts have started to stretch out to other things. With the recent deaths of Margaret Thatcher and Robert Edwards (IVF pioneer), it's hit me that they were all born in the same year-1925. That's the same year as my nanny, who will turn 88 in August. She seems to have suddenly become a lot older.This was also coupled with my mum saying that she doubted her elderly Bassett will make it to their holiday in Devon- I seem to be dwelling on morbidity a hell of a lot more than usual. I tend to have a pretty flippant attitude to death- the complete opposite to my best mate who has a true hatred of death (partially the reason she became a doctor?!) so this is a new development. This has extended to an almost flippant attitude to my own health. Even with the stinking chest infection, I still wanted to smoke. Just have no reason to look after myself- WHICH IS UTTERLY STUPID! Of course I do! We'll be trying again soon and my body needs to be healthy enough to hopefully not mess it up this time.

For the first time since number 3 and number 4 happened, I held a baby on Tuesday. It was a really good friend of mine's second child- I had been one of the first to cuddle number one, in fact, perhaps the first other than family! I was a bit of a state in the kitchen the night before, crying over P's fajitas- thinking about how I was going to deal with it. Thing is, when it comes to real babies- that seems so far off, I can't even imagine actually having a baby. When I spoke to another friend later the same day, she said her sister was exactly the same (she's two weeks off giving birth to twins) after having so many issues herself. When I first saw the baby and her big sister, there were absolutely no pangs of jealousy whatsoever- having children seems like a very abstract notion. It was so lovely to see a good friend and her family again. It hurt going back over all the crappiness of the past few months but she made a point which my step mother had made before. My brother and I have always been fully aware of what our future fertility would hold from both our parents and the medics involved.

Does it help though, knowing so much? Knowing the statistics? If you are told that you have a 30% chance of having a miscarriage, that makes the chance of having a baby 70% which doesn't seem too bad. However, if your pregnancies keep falling into that 30% statistic, is that 70% just an optimistic carrot on the end of a stick? I am really worried about trying again. The whole thing is incredibly stressful. Do I do the peeing on ovulation sticks? Do I leave it to happen completely naturally, like we did over the honeymoon? I guess tapping into the fatalistic attitude I have at the moment, it doesn't really matter what we do as there seems to be no issue with getting pregnant, just an issue with it getting past the first trimester and there is nothing I can do to stop anything from going wrong there. It'd be great if I could actually get my hands in there and sort out the DNA myself, but short of something worthy of a horror film, it's not down to me. 

The doctor's appointment is looming too. With the foetal test results from the D&C. Man, will I be totally freaked if it says it's anything other than genetic! I did everything right with the last one- everything, right down to taking the baby aspirin and folic acid on a daily basis, no smoking, no bad foods etc. After all the tests they've run and that have come back totally clear, for it to be anything other than genetic would be a big kicker.

So whilst unlike another blogger  Retro Chick, who I love to read, write about her grumpiness- mine isn't grumpiness but it is negativity. I've never been a negative person and I cannot allow the bad times to turn me into one. The flippant attitude needs to change. I need to stop smoking for me rather than because I have something growing inside of me and I need to stop having a fatalistic attitude. Things are not inevitable, just a bit rubbish sometimes.