I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow. The one where I find out what caused the fourth miscarriage and because the hospital kept us waiting with as to whether the test results were back (my file was too big for an instant answer- note to self must have less miscarriages so that it is easier in the future...), I am going alone. I am so scared. If it is anything other than the genetic issue, it will be pretty terrifying as after all, everything else came back clear like the bloods and shape and size of stuff. Really scared if it comes back with anything other than what we already know we're dealing with.
Understandably low, I am teetering on the edge of tears a lot at the moment. Just feels like there's a lot of shit happening at the moment- you know the adage of, "It never rains but pours"? That. Entirely that. Flats that leak, dead mice washing into your kitchen and psychopathic neighbours have lead us to looking to buy our first home together. It should be an exciting step but there's that fear that the old credit rating won't be good enough for them to give us a mortgage and then it's me letting everyone down again. Obviously, credit rating is more controllable than fertility but urgh: YET ANOTHER THING!
We have found a property that is pretty local to where we are currently living- three decent size bedrooms, good sized bathroom, front room, kitchen, downstairs loo, walk in larder, front and back garden and roof space. It's ex-LA on a quiet road that overlooks a private football field with little greens breaking up the road. The downside is that it is a concrete build so a non-standard building material and therefore there are less people who will lend on it. The windows and doors need replacing but I daren't look at how much it would cost as it almost feels a little like looking at baby stuff when you're newly pregnant. A few weeks later, you lose the pregnancy and feel a total idiot for dreaming.
I remember whilst working at M&S before teaching, I was chatting to one of the managers about the fact that I never thought I would ever meet someone. After all, I had a best friend who was like the other half of my brain and a wonderful relationship with my mum- so many people had less than that so did I really deserve anymore? Seven years later, sitting in my front room with my husband, that didn't really work out the way I expected but in the way of the house and the baby, they feel like too bigger a dream. If I dare start to believe they might come to fruition, then I'll curse it from dreaming too hard. Whilst teaching our RE unit about weddings today, I teared up looking at the photos- it was the most perfect wedding, perhaps that was our lucky bit?
Don't get me wrong, I know I will be a mum. There's no doubt about that. We made a decision at the weekend that we wouldn't go for the IVF route- egg donation or PGD. I'm so glad that P is on the same page as me- was utterly terrified by the thought of such an invasive treatment with no guaranteed result. I'm not saying never ever, but just not right now. Whilst I would never judge anyone on their choice to have a baby through IVF (I get how much you want your own baby, really!) for me personally, I feel it would be selfish for me to do that whilst seeing kids on a daily basis who could do with a bit more love. It might still happen naturally of course but if we do get to the point of not wanting to try anymore (which feels sooner rather than later), we do have options.
I read on Facebook the other day some meme thing:
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
―Elisabeth Kubler-Rose
I might have made a comment about preferring to be ugly than go through this shit... :)
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