How do you?

So you all know now that I am currently a chick incubator, hoping like mad that things are still working. The thing is, THIS IS REALLY HARD. I know, right now you want to punch me, you want to shake me by my shoulders and say, "You're frigging 9 weeks pregnant! That is something in itself to be grateful for! As far as you know, the baby still has a heartbeat!" This is where infertility and repeat pregnancy loss splits. Just before I got this positive, I was in a seriously weird place. A place where although I hated the big fat negatives, I also dreaded the positives. In fact, I dreaded the positives even more. As you can see in my previous post, my response to this positive wasn't exactly that of sheer joy and happiness. "OH SHIT" is not a normal response from someone who is desperate for a baby.

I guess it's the years (can't believe it has actually been years- just feels like a lot of numbness) of  positive pregnancy tests meaning nothing more than there is/was HCG in my body at the time of the test. The possibility of a baby was there but my genes screwed it up. I remember reading the information on what my possible pregnancies would come out as at 16 after my first meeting with the genetic counsellor:

• Ones where it would be unicorns shitting rainbows (read as my genes have not been passed on therefore no genetic wonkiness and no issues when they go to have babies).
• Wonkettes like me- a balanced translocation.
• Trisomies that could be born (babies with pretty bad disabilities and chances of early childhood death)
• Trisomies that couldn't be born (my miscarriages)
• Then the truly weird and wonderful where this is never born but there are still possibilities of creating a pregnancies. I want to call them Quadsomies as that would make sense!

The genetics is now what's keeping me awake at night. I rang the Fetal Medicine Centre yesterday to book in my Harmony test (this is a blood test that they're hoping will replace CVS and Amnio as it carries 0% chance of miscarriage). I gave the receptionist all my details and then asked the dreaded question... Will my wonky genes cause issues with the test. Guess what the answer was...! "I'm terribly sorry, Mrs Lawson, but due to your balanced translocation falling on one of the major trisomies that we test for, you will not be able to take the test as it is likely to come back with a failed result and therefore it would be better to start with something like CVS or Amnio."

FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!

So I then rang Guys as I had a double reason to ring- to postpone my appointment and to ask them WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW? They had said at the genetic counselling appointment when I was pregnant with number 4, that if I required genetic testing, that they would be happy to help so I asked and they are going to ring me back to offer some support. It was scary postponing my PGD appointment. After so much fear to book it, it is utterly terrifying to have to put a timer on it. Whether this pregnancy works or not, I will need a break before going forward with the treatment.

I have my booking appointment next week with the midwife and my dating scan on the 1st of July. Right now, they feel a million miles off even with the heartbeat that P and I saw on Thursday. I am still waiting for someone to pop up and say, "Hahaha! Only joking!" The genetic testing could be the next stumbling block. I realise that a lot of people probably think I'm being hugely ungrateful for being pregnant but being pregnant was never the issue.

Can I start to think about NCT classes? Can I start to look at maternity clothes? Should I be saving money for maternity leave? Actually, the real question is: do I dare? There is a slight palpable excitement in the air...

Hope is such a dangerous thing.