I think it's entirely understandable right now that I'm a bit of a mess as Tuesday slides closer into view. So I'm not going to say much other than two bits. It's my cousin's wedding today and yesterday was spent searching Westfield for something to wear. I had to go anyway as one of my kids smashed my phone screen by accident the previous day (I was going to go on Friday but was then held up at school with a child protection case- always a pleasure to spend my evening chatting to the emergency services! Doesn't matter how many times you speak to the police and confirm whether you believe it to be a neglect case or not- there is a huge amount of fear that you might have got it wrong.)
Anyway, after my tutoring jobs yesterday, I headed off to Stratford to see what I could find. It wasn't really a very good day- I spent most of it either crying or worrying. I was even tempted again to get a private scan done but as my mum mentioned in the evening when I saw her, even with a scan every other week for her pregnancy with my brother, it wasn't enough. There was also a massive fear that I wasn't going to fit into anything-which was sort of true. The maternity stuff swamped me and normal stuff was all skewiff with my porn star boobs. I was brave, I went into Mamas and Papas and tried stuff on and I tried New Look's Maternity range too. It was a bit of a blow out as I ended up buying three dresses that were a bit shit and not really suitable for a wedding. At this point, I was almost sobbing as nothing was right and what if these maternity dresses were a total waste of money with the outcome of the dating scan? I then popped into Monsoon with the hope of buying a cardi to throw over the top of the dreadful dresses when I found something pretty special. A lovely navy shift dress with pearls and diamante around a high neckline before dropping to a V on the back. I tried it on and the sales girl walked towards me grinning, saying, "I think you need the next size down!" So I tried on the smaller size and it was perfect. As I walked out of the changing room, Paloma Faith's version of "Never Tear us Apart" came on- whilst we danced to the INXS version, it was Paul's and my first dance. It was like a little sun ray bursting out through the cloud. I felt a little happier and with the help of the wonderful girls at Monsoons and Accessorize found hair grips and a small bag. This is now my wedding outfit for the summer! WEDDINGS DONE!!!
I then got my phone back fully repaired and heard from my mum about picking Hattie up. On the way back, I met up with my mum and we drove back to my house to pick up her beast. As we drove back, over the road from my house there is a massive football field and with the strange weather all day, there was the biggest rainbow stretching up into the sky. Another beautiful happy sign!
This morning, the sun is high and bright. I reckon my Grandad sorted that one out like he did for my wedding!
Anyway, there's one more thing I need to do before I have my scan.
Dear Blob,
You haven't got the greatest name right now but the first time I saw you on the screen when you had been growing for 6weeks and 5 days in my tummy, you looked like nothing more than a blob. There's a bigger blob where your head is but generally a blob. I think I am also a little frightened to call you a baby because over the past almost 12 weeks, I've become quite attached to you (or rather you've become quite attached to me!) and it could make it even harder to let you go if the news isn't good on Tuesday.
When I saw you again at 9 weeks 1 day, your heart was still beating nice and strong. You'd also grown to look slightly less blob like (but yes, you still looked like a blob!) It was so frightening going to the scan but you behaved yourself for Daddy and showed him your incredible little flickering light where your heart was beating away. I'll let you into a secret- the ultrasound technician showed us where your arms and legs were growing but I couldn't make them out- I think I was too fixated on the fact your heart was still beating.
You've managed to do so much more already. You let Mummy meet the midwife and get her scary maternity notes pack.
I'm going to be calling in favours with every deity this week that you are still growing beautifully and are starting to look less like a blob and become more of a baby.
It'd be worth it. You have a wonderful Daddy- he's the most wonderful man. You'd be silly not to make it to nine months to come and meet him. He has a pretty good taste in music but first and foremost, he already adores you. He has been your cheerleader from the start, saying that you are our baby. The one that we will get to meet and watch grow up into- he thinks, a mini me! Yes, he thinks you're a girl. I'm a bit more focussed on getting you through the next few months rather than worrying about whether you're a boy or girl. Lots of other people think you're a girl too. Guess we'll see!
Anyway, I love you Blob. I love you loads. I promise to dial down the anxiety from Tuesday if you can just show me that you're doing ok, alright?
We both love you and thank you for making it this far.
Mummy xxx
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