The weekend before last, I got the appointment date and time from Guys in regards to the PGD. I mean, how damn quick did that come through? Super double fast quick time! I was a little take aback about the quick turn around time as I was enjoying the responsibility being out of my hands. It was a warm, sunny, happy place where there were bluebirds dancing around my shoulders. As soon as the envelope appeared, there was an intense feeling of holy fuck! We're really doing this!
Although like every good story, something may bugger things up.
I'm pregnant.
So the week before I went off to Canada, I was a little late so I did a test. It came back with a total and utter blank bit where the possible positive should have been. Not even an evaporation line. Shrugged my shouders- no biggie! I'm off to dance like a loon at my soul sister's wedding! It was meant to be my last hoorah before going clean for the PGD, so yes, I drank and I smoked. The actual day of the wedding, I felt a bit odd. My boobs felt like they would explode and I felt like I wanted to murder someone. I just put it down to feeling a bit PMSy and prayed that I wouldn't get my period for that bloody flight home.
Anyway, after the fun that was 72hours in Canada, my period still didn't arrive when I was back in England so on the Thursday, I did a test in the loos at school and literally as soon as I peed on it, BOOM! Pregnant.
Poor P then got a message saying- "OH SHIT" along with a picture of the test. He replied in typical P fashion with "Every man's dream- a text saying 'oh shit' with a picture of a positive pregnancy test!" We were both apprehensive. You can't not be after so many losses! P, however, scared me. He said that he really felt that this was it. This would be our baby. *CUE BIG FREAK OUT* People have said that to me before about previous pregnancies. How could he be so confident about something neither of us have any idea about?
I then waited a week and a bit to speak to my GP about going to EPU- I would be around 7 weeks then and if there was going to be a heartbeat, there would be one by then. My GP instantly said yes to me going for a scan but said she would hold off on signing me up for antenatal care until after the result of the scan. I waited til Friday and went with Kat who was utterly thrilled that she would see my insides...(bloody doctors!) I was so scared. Back where things had ended before. I was also having very few symptoms which made me feel like things were over. I mean, after 5 losses, things couldn't begin to go right naturally? I was ready for PGD not a natural pregnancy. The receptionist and nurses who sadly all knew me, were lovely as usual- all wishing this would be it for me. I was called through to speak to Jo (yes, I know her first name...), the nurse consultant and I thought it was just going to be another chat so I said to Kat that I'd be fine going by myself and yet it was the scan time- WHEN I NEEDED HER MOST! By the time the door closed, I was shaking too much to ask to have her come in with me so I had to brave it alone. Jo kept the screen towards herself until she was certain whilst I was trying to control the panic attack that was brewing.
There was a heartbeat.
I wept and had to keep wiping the tears away to be able to see what was being pointed out to me on the ultrasound. There was the tiny little pulsating light that was flickering away so strongly. Something I had never seen before. All those scans that yielded nothing but the dreaded week wait to see if there would be some more growth where of course, there would be none. There it was. That heartbeat that held so much hope.
I floated out of the EPU in shock. Kat was hugging me, utterly delighted. I rang Paul and the frst words out of my mouth were..."There was a heartbeat!" It was a little like how I felt on my wedding day- like I was in a bubble, floating around. Not quite in my own body! I rang my mum who was in tears. I rang my nan who giggled delightedly. It just didn't feel very real. A heartbeat? So much hope comes with a heartbeat. My mum only ever saw two heartbeats- mine and my brother's.
So I spoke to a couple of people at work to explain about my losses and the fact I might just need to do a runner if things went Pete Tong. They were great and really understanding. So, I then carried on as normal. Teaching, tutoring- all the normal shit whilst also wiping so much when I went to the loo that I was making myself sore! I even plucked up the courage to get some new bras and book my antenatal care.
Everything was fine until this week. On Monday, as I guessed, we got the OFSTED call! They came for the Tuesday and Wednesday. I was watched on the Tuesday twice and felt like I was home free from the buggers! To be honest, for the first time in my life, I think it was the first true time of not giving a flying fuck about the outcome. There were bigger things than how the school would do. Anyway, things were fine until early Wednesday morning. At 3am, I woke up and found that I was bleeding. More spotting than bleeding but you can imagine my fear. It was all over in my head. It was a mid brown blood so not the bright red, there were no bad pains which was going in baby's favour. I laid on the bed sobbing, trying to talk to my tummy. I think I told it to not be a dick and start messing around now! Apologies baby, I was terrified. Paul came to bed at around 4ish and I told him what happened. He of course told me to not panic and that I should just see how the day would unfold. Easier said than done!
I went to work as we still had OFSTED in but I spoke to my deputy head to explain that I might need to run ( I had PPA at 12 so I knew I could escape early if I needed). She disagreed and said she didn't want me in work and said she wanted me home and resting as soon as possible so she would book me a taxi back to South London- she also refused to listen to my protests that it wasn't much and I would only leave if things got worse. She said she would explain to the head without telling her but I felt like I had to be honest with her. I told her and the head said that she'd already worked it out! She also said that there were things bigger than OFSTED and this was one of them. So I went home and booked the GP in the back of the taxi. My taxi driver was wonderful. He was a Somali gentleman who chatted all the way back and said that when he visited the mosque that afternoon, he would pray for me and my unborn baby! Such a kind man who completely distracted me all the way back to Kidbrooke. When I got home, I flopped on the sofa with Max trying to put everything out of my mind. The Dr reckoned that it was left over blood from where the baby had implanted and that whilst it was nothing to worry about, that a trip to EPU would be a good idea.
So Paul took yesterday off (which turned out to be a great move as it was the first day of the England vs Sri Lanka cricket at Lords) and we got up early to hit EPU as soon as possible to get the feeling of death row out of our bodies. We arrived so early that we were the first to be seen. I spoke to Jo and explained what was going on- she had everything crossed that our worst nightmare wasn't about to come true again. We then went in for a scan in the same room that we found out our baby last year hadn't grown. The technician didn't say anything for about half a minute (oh and by the way, I got to progress from dildocam to abdominal!)- during which time both Paul and I were holding our breath. Then she turned to us and said, "There's baby's head, baby's back and legs. If you look here, you can see the heartbeat."
Paul and I just beamed at each other. He was right. Baby is still alive and kicking. When we went to have a chat with Jo, as soon as Paul shut the door, she gave me the biggest hug! Baby had also caught up in length to measuring 9weeks 1 day as of yesterday. To begin with it was a little short but seems to have caught up rapidly in the past 12 days.
So yes. Still pregnant. Not only pregnant but pregnant with a date for meeting the midwife next week and a baby with a heartbeat in my tummy. I also have a maternity bra that I dared to try on today. In a minute, I'm going to book my Harmony test with the Fetal Medicine Centre which will check for any weird trisomies without the risk of miscarriage unlike CVS or Amniocentesis.
SHIT IS GETTING REAL!
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