What shall we watch tonight?

You know that saying, "Walking on eggshells"? I feel like I am doing that around myself- at times it almost feels like I split into two people: the strong Sarah and the Sarah that needs to be protected. The strong Sarah flicks through channels on the TV, ruthlessly disregarding those with any mention of babies, childbirth or pregnancy and the other Sarah hides behind her until the coast is clear. Still with the current media's utter fascination with babies and celebrity pregnancies, you can't always guess what will be on a programme or even in an article.

Every now and then, the scared Sarah pokes her head above the precipice and generally is doing ok. A bit shaky at times but becoming gradually stronger. There can be (and need to be) blows like seeing a friend's scan photo on Facebook or knowing that a colleague has her 12 week scan coming up. I should have been having those last week. With the other three pregnancies, I didn't get as far as the doctors but with the fourth, I did. Holy moly, was that a stressful day! As a part of those weird superstitions that I mentioned before, I was scared of going to the doctor as with the third, I had booked an appointment but ended up miscarrying two days before and was asked to come in for aftercare. Well, I made it! Despite the constant loo trips to check for blood (quadrupled that day), I made my appointment and was sent away with the words from a lovely doctor who has treated my family before, that he would pray for me.

There is always a moment of shock from the various healthcare providers that I have seen. That moment when they ask you how many pregnancies you have had. The next question is how many children you have and every single one has recoiled in horror at my response of, "Four pregnancies. No children." I think I have become a little numb to it although every now and then I become irritated by things that I read or watch.

As a point of checking every single thing that was happening to me during pregnancy number 4, I joined a forum- one of the many with variations of mothers and internet in its name. Whilst on the early pregnancy forum, there were the newbies to pregnancy, the people for whom it's exciting and miscarriage happens to other people, the crazy checkers like me and some for whom the pregnancy was not wanted. I could not believe some of the things those poor people were told by other people on the forums. Whilst to me, a baby would be the most amazing thing on this planet (apart from the fact I did just see my fat cat clear the sofa that Paul is currently asleep on, IN ONE LEAP!) for so many other people, it's the worst thing that can possibly happen to them. There were a lot of well-meaning, "oh you'll feel different when (delete as appropriate) you see the baby on the scan/ when you feel the baby moving/ when you hold the baby in your arms for the first time". These comments are so barbed to someone who isn't sure whether they want their baby.

I am pro choice. Always will be. Had I fallen pregnant at uni or during sixth form, I would have had an abortion even with knowing that there would be issues in the future. Knowing that getting qualifications would mean a way of supporting myself (and any future family) was what made me feel that way. It never came to that, thankfully but I was always very clear about it. It wasn't until recently that I found out how pro choice my mum is too. Whilst she was pregnant and showing with Robert, she was working as a nurse on the gynae ward where they carried out abortions. Apparently there was a girl who was having an abortion and said to her, "You must think I am a terrible person." and my mum replied that she didn't think anything of the sort about her, that pregnancies come at good and bad times and that you should always have a choice when they happen to you.

This is not something that I saw echoed on that particular forum. There were perhaps two of us that responded in a similar way to those posters who didn't want their pregnancies whilst everyone else assumed a sort of "mother as the martyr" role. I am horrendously liberal; a bleeding heart socialist as my dad describes but I am always taken aback by people going against what seems to me as goddamn commonsense!

There was a jealousy thing with those forums too- not those poor women but the women who already had three or four kids already and were pregnant again. I MEAN SWEET JEEBUS! I won't be going back to those forums for the reason that I will be going on an internet hiatus that will only include looking at baby walruses, Facebook or planning for work but also because of the crazy that they inspire in me. Of course, as much as a woman should be able to get rid of an unwanted pregnancy, she should also be able to have as many babies as she wants (although I get to see the other side of this, being a teacher, when they get a bit bigger and not as cute)- it's just damn unfair when you don't get what YOU want! I was asked by a colleague the other day, how many children I want. I can't really answer that as I would love a HUGE family but knowing how much heartache we've had so far, I would be happy with one (and a million puppies- preferably Bassett Hounds).

So enough of my tiptoeing around the internet. I am off to make Lemsip for Paul and myself as I am currently sounding like a man and Paul is snoring like a banshee.